Reflecting lately and realizing my life is often really uncomfortable and miserable, i can blur it out and cover it up with alcohol but only so much. I have really been considering that i have so much autism adhd depression and anxiety that no matter how hard i try, the struggling against it only makes everything worse. I want to feel slightly happy or normal and im almost 30 now, its just never going to happen for me. The thought of ending everything is scary but sometimes thinking of going on like this forever is much scarier. Im at a point where i dont have a real house / home let alone genuine apartment, im just subletting from someone who has gone insane and become hostile, i can barely even functionally work 3 days a week without falling apart. In a doctors office i generally appear healthy to them and they only ever waste my time. Im really strongly feeling like this world is not for me and i should have listened to warning signs to get out a long time ago. I really dont know what to do and i just kind of wait around for the next lucky streak of mania or moderate distraction and happiness. All the things people ever say about things like this are similar to doctors visits, nice on paper, but a waste of time and an attack on what little time and chances i have left